parenting your transracially adopted child – Page 3

Black Excellence: Colin Kaepernick

On August 26, 2016, NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick took his first knee during the national anthem at an NFL preseason game. This action was part of his protest against racial inequality and police brutality in the Unites States. His actions made the whole country pay attention, and helped ignite the national debates around Black Lives Matter and what role athletes can play in social activism, as well as the meaning of patriotic gestures during sports and elsewhere.

After the 2016 season, he lost his position as an NFL player, and no team has been willing to let him play since. He has continued his advocacy work, including community outreach and education initiatives.

Kaepernick’s resolve and bravery, to be one of the most visible leaders in contemporary efforts to end police brutality and race discrimination, and his willingness to risk his job and passion, have inspired people all over the world.

Colin Kaepernick is also transracially adopted. He grew up with his adoptive family and excelled in sports, played college football at the University of Nevada, Reno, and was drafted by the San Francisco 49ers in 2011. Kaepernick feels a strong connection to his biological roots, and has spoken openly about the complexities of identity and cultural heritage, and has used his platform to advocate for greater awareness of adoption issues and the importance of embracing diverse backgrounds. His upbringing has had an important impact on his social activism.

To Learn More:

Colin Kaepernick: Hopes of a 2022 NFL Comeback, from I am Athlete:

Change the Game, written by Colin Kaepernick, with Eve L. Ewing, illustrated by Orlando Caicedo: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0Z8YawR1Ae/?igsh=Z2lkeTF4eW1kd2Vo
Colin Kaepernick describes how he embraced his blackness as a teenager, from NPR 2023: https://www.npr.org/2023/03/08/1161925892/colin-kaepernick-nfl-graphic-novel-teen-identity

Photo credits:

Ted S. Warren-AP/Shutterstock.com
Blair Getz Mezibov Qiu
Blair Getz Mezibov Qiu

Back-to-School

By K. Bean

Back-to-school season is an exciting and transformative time, not just for our children but for us as parents as well. While our children gear up for new academic adventures, we as parents can seize this opportunity to reignite our own commitment to learning and growth. Embracing a mindset of curiosity and dedication to continuous learning is essential for fostering an inclusive, supportive, and understanding family environment. Continuing to learn about the impact of racism and bias will help create more emotional, psychological and physical safety for our children.

Intentional Conversations About Adoption & Race

Parenting children of another race necessitates a profound and ongoing commitment to being self-aware, culturally competent, and anti-racist. I understand that my process of learning how to be better surrounding these complex issues will never be complete; there is always more to understand, more perspectives to consider, and more ways to support our boys. By engaging in intentional and planned conversations about adoption and race, we can create a space where everyone feels heard, valued, and understood.

For us as parents, staying curious means actively seeking out knowledge and experiences that enhance our understanding of our boys racial and cultural background. We read books, attend workshops, and participate in cultural events that share our boys' heritage. We want to demonstrate that their identity is respected and celebrated. This kind of proactive engagement sets a powerful example, showing them that learning is a lifelong journey and that understanding and respecting differences is a vital part of personal growth.

Discussions Can Help Develop a Sense of Self, Strengthen Bonds and Build a Foundation of Trust

Moreover, having intentional conversations about race and adoption can help address the unique challenges that transracially adopted children might face. These discussions can provide a safe space for them to express their experiences and feelings, whether they relate to racial identity, experiences of discrimination, or questions about their adoption. By normalizing these conversations, we can help them develop a positive sense of self and equip them with the tools to navigate a world that may not always be accepting or understanding.

In addition to benefiting our boys, these conversations foster a deeper connection within our family. When we discuss complex topics like race and adoption openly and honestly, it strengthens our bond and builds a foundation of trust and mutual respect. This openness encourages them to share their struggles and triumphs, knowing that we are here to support them without judgment. It also allows us as parents to share our own vulnerabilities and learning experiences, highlighting that growth and understanding are continuous processes for everyone.

Back to School: Recommit to Our Own Educational Journeys

In conclusion, back-to-school season is an opportune moment for us to recommit to our own educational journeys, especially when parenting through transracial adoption. By fostering intentional and planned conversations about adoption and race, we can enhance our understanding, support one another more effectively, and create a loving, inclusive environment where everyone feels valued. This commitment to continuous learning and growth benefits not just the family but society as a whole, promoting a culture of empathy, respect, and inclusivity.

Navigating Identity: The Significance of Names in Self-Discovery

By Cj Rosenstiel

In the intricate tapestry of identity, our names are the first threads, weaving the fabric of who we are. They carry history and significance, shaping our sense of self from birth. But what if the name we're given doesn't quite fit? This question sparked my journey of self-discovery, delving into the essence of being and my place in the world. Despite multiple legal name changes, none felt right, prompting a deeper exploration.

When my partner, Jennie, and I welcomed our boys into our family, we knew their first names would remain unchanged. However, understanding the importance of cohesion and security, we opted for matching last names. This decision was crucial, providing a safety net for our young sons, especially our eldest, who was prone to wandering.

Embracing tradition and heritage, we decided on Hebrew names for our boys. Giving our eldest the agency to choose his Hebrew name empowered him to assert his identity. Jennie and I incorporated parts of their Hebrew names into their middle names, a collaborative process that reflected our family's journey of exploration and understanding.

Now, aged 12 and 10, both boys are aware of their full names given by their mother of origin. They understand the significance of names in shaping identity and know they have the freedom to explore and redefine themselves. Supporting their journey of self-discovery is paramount to us, as we hope they find names that are a perfect fit—a true reflection of who they are.

In our family, names are not just labels but symbols of individuality and belonging. They remind us of the complexities of identity and the power of self-discovery. As we navigate this journey together, our hope is that our sons embrace their names with pride, knowing they signify not only where they come from but also who they aspire to be.

Bio

Cj works in IT doing telephony project work at Progressive by day, advocating for trauma-informed care in public schools and as a board member of Transracial Journeys, he contributes to fostering understanding in transracial adoption communities. Together with his partner Jennie, Cj lovingly parents two transracially adopted boys by night, showcasing his commitment to family and inclusivity.

Book Corner-November 2023

This is a beautifully-illustrated, warm and cozy read with a focus on preparing food with love and with a group of diverse children and adults. Highly recommended not just for Thanksgiving but for any part of the year when you want to pull comfort from the words you read along with the pictures you see.

Jillian Tamaki is an award winning, Canadian author who shows how to build community, love and nurture around the preparation of food in a fun and whimsical manner.As the characters ask the following questions, you could ask the same of the children you’re reading the book with:

● Is your body warm?
● Is your belly full?
● Would you like seconds?

Masks, Masking, and Mental Health

by TRJ Parent Avril McInally

It’s now autumn. The leaves are changing color. The days are getting shorter. Some of us are getting ready to celebrate Halloween at the end of the month. Whether or not we participate in this holiday, we can all relate to masks for one reason or another. They’ve been used throughout the ages in religious ceremonies, as works of art, as occupational accoutrements and as protection from disease. A mask is a cover for the face or a disguise. It may be used to frighten, shock or simply amuse others. A mask hides what lies behind it.

The National Council for Adoption states, “The statistics are revealing. A third of adolescents referred for psychotherapy are adopted. Adolescence is the peak period for psychiatric referrals in the life of the adoptee. Approximately 5–17 percent of adolescent adoptees receive mental health services, although they represent only 2 percent of the population.1 While research suggests that these statistics may reflect the fact that for a variety of reasons, adoptive parents may be more inclined to seek out services for their teens, it is also true that many adopted teens need specialized support. Adolescence is a time when adoptees struggle with an extra layer of challenges related to their identity, their future, and their past. The “normal” or typical developmental tasks of the teen years are intensified by adoption, particularly if teens are being raised by parents of a different race or culture.”

As we think about the impact of loss, grief, and differences of culture and race it stands to reason that transracially adopted persons might wear masks more frequently than their non-adopted peers. October 10, 2023 is World Mental Health Day and we can dig deeper into the meanings behind masks and the practice or habit of masking for children with intersectional identities. “Mental health masking means camouflaging or suppressing your mental health symptoms so you fit in with others.” “People mask their mental health symptoms because they want to maintain their relationships, keep their jobs, and be socially accepted.” To put a finer point on this for our community, it’s been widely discussed that adopted persons often put on masks to shield their caregivers or because there is seems to be little validation or support when they do share feelings. One of April’s prompts from her October suite of cards asks, “have you ever tried to hide or mask your feelings?” It’s a good question to ask. Consider also asking another of her prompts for the month “do you think people wear masks that we can’t see?”

Make time and space for having these conversations with your children. Use the props of masks and masking to help bring awareness to and support of your children’s mental health this October.

Reveal: The Masks We See and Those We Don’t

October Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

At Transracial Journeys we send our families conversation cues each month, from our Transracial Journeys card deck, given to all our families at Family Camp and available for purchase. The card deck contains three cards for each month, designed for the children to ask their parents. Below are the questions for October. Before letting your child get started, prepare by reading the parent pro-tip, from the Parent Guide, each month.

October Pro-Tip for Parents: Think about the symbolism of masks and how you might mask your feelings about adoption and differences of race. What can you do to tap into those feelings and let them show in healthy ways? Do you recognize when your child might be masking their feelings? “We Wear the Mask” - Paul Laurence Dunbar

This post is from our October 2023, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

Navigating: Moving Through Life with Clarity and Confidence

In September we focus on navigating to move through life with clarity and confidence as it can relate to our family's relationship to the calendar. As we make our way through the year there are so many ways we can use the calendar to lean into conversations about the uniqueness of our families. Being thoughtful about how our families have to navigate the world differently and talking openly about what we might face can help ease the impact.

The calendar is the perfect tool to:
• Celebrate the special moments and prepare for the harder ones.
• Honor every person in the family who is connected to your child and to you.
• Ensure you are making time each month to talk with intention about adoption and differences of race, culture, and class.

September Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

At Transracial Journeys we send our families conversation cues each month, from our Transracial Journeys card deck, given to all our families at Family Camp and available for purchase. The card deck contains three cards for each month, designed for the children to ask their parents. Below are the questions for September. Before letting your child get started, prepare by reading the parent pro-tip, from the Parent Guide, each month.

September Pro-Tip for Parents: It’s a good idea to add the birthday of your child’s family of origin. If you do not know the dates make an effort to find out and if that is not possible, pick a day where you will honor them in some way and start to institutionalize that on your calendars every year. This will make space to honor those that came before you and while birth parents may not be physically present every day they remain attached to your child and your family in spirit. Make plans to have special treats on these days to celebrate the people that are connected to your children and to you.

Get more guidance on how to use these cards to encourage conversations with your child(ren) while preparing for your own thoughts and emotions related to each topic in our post: Where Did the Calendar Come From?

This post is from our September 2023, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

August is for Growth: Always Learning and Growing

August Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

Transracial Journeys invites your family to experience the calendar in a whole new way. With the help of the June-in-April Calendar Conversation Cards, each month your family is invited to use the cards as a tool for more regular and intentional conversations about identity, family relationships, and differences of race and culture.

Each month has four cards with conversation starters. The prompts and questions are designed to spark reflection and ongoing dialogue within your family as well as with extended family and friends. There is no prescriptive way to use the cards, sometimes parents or grown-ups can take the lead and ask the questions and other times, children can go first.

August Pro-Tip for Parents: Back to school is a time of transition for children and families. It’s a time to be thoughtful about what children need when they go into schools every day. A great way to prepare children from families that don’t match is by having intentional conversations about differences of race and ethnicity as well as family structure and culture.

CARD ONE: IDENTITY (child asking adult)
Close your eyes and think of being a kid at school: What is the first word that comes to mind?
• Can you describe what your school was like?
- How big was it?
- How many other kids were there?
• What was your favorite subject?

CARD TWO: RELATIONSHIPS (child asking adult)
• Who were some of your favorite teachers and why?
• Were there any kids or teachers who looked like me in your school?
• Were there any kids or teachers that were a different race than you?

CARD THREE: EMBRACING AND FACING DIFFERENCES OF RACE AND CULTURE (child asking adult)
• Did you ever see black or brown students being treated differently?
• How do you think your experiences in school were different from mine?
• What can you do better to prepare me for what I might face at school?

This post is from our August 2023, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

July Freedom: Exploring our Unique Identities

July Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

At Transracial Journeys we send our families conversation cues each month, from our Transracial Journeys card deck. The card deck contains three cards for each month, designed for the children to ask their parents. Below are the questions for July. Before letting your child get started, prepare by reading the parent pro-tip, from the Parent Guide, each month.

July Pro-Tip for Parents: Do your research on the complexities of July 4th and be ready to steer confidently into the conversation with your child/children. Create space to process the emotions that may come up as you prepare to have the conversation about freedom and enslavement with your child. Even if it is hard, don’t shy away from moving in the direction of openness related to hard topics like this. It is only when we are confident and centered in the truth of our histories both collective and individual that we can be truly FREE!

This post is from our July, 2023, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp.

Travels with the Tax Preparer

by Avril McInally

It’s summer and April 15 is well behind us. It’s a blip on the deadline radar, a distant memory (the more distant, the better). So, why am I talking about taxes and my tax preparer in a transracial adoption newsletter? Read on to find out.

Once upon a time, I needed an expert to help me navigate a tricky situation with my local tax authority. After asking my friends for CPA and tax professional referrals, I ended up in Mr. D’s office on the near East Side. There, I was greeted by Mr. D’s second-in-command, Ms. B. While waiting for my appointment, I soon came to see Ms. B’s management of the office. For all she did, it seemed to me that she must have had eyes in the back of her head, two brains and perhaps, three hearts! She sat at the helm of a smoothly run, busy operation. In awe of Ms. B, I soon forgot the trouble that had landed me in her domain.

After a while, I was seen by Mr. D. He promptly took care of my tricky situation and earned not only my undying appreciation but my eternal patronage. For the next several years close to tax time, I spent a few hours in his office. It was really supposed to be a one hour appointment, but I didn’t just get my taxes prepared on these visits. At these annual appointments, I listened to Michael (for Mr. D soon became Michael) relay his experiences as a Black man, husband, father, businessman and community member. I listened intently to Michael, not just for me but also for my Black daughter. He straight up told me that it was important I knew how to raise a Black child and I was thankful for his honesty and in sharing parts of his community and culture experience with me.

One day, while sitting in his office, he asked if me and my daughters had any vacations planned that year. I said yes. We were planning on driving to Chincoteague Island to see the wild ponies. He then went on to talk about what it had been like for him driving to the South as a Black man and as a Black father with his wife and children in the car. He taught me to be more careful and alert driving (sometimes rurally) through Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia.

Every year I had my appointment with Michael, he offered something significant to me as a parent of a Black daughter. He reminded me often that I had a member of his community and extended family in my care, and that it was my privilege to take good care of her. But he didn’t just leave the conversation there, he went on and “filled me in” with personal stories from his own parenting journey.

After several years of working with Michael, he became gravely ill and passed on. I visited him in his decline and often thought of all of the Going Home pamphlets he had lovingly shared with me of his former clients. Soon, Michael had his own Going Home.

Ms. B ended up obtaining the credentials needed to run her own tax preparer business and now, my daughters and I visit her to have our taxes done every year. She’s got a framed picture of Michael in her office. We always talk about him and his legacy. Sometimes, we sit in her office waiting for our appointments rubbing elbows with women construction workers, salon workers and more. Now, my children have grown to cultivate their own relationships with Ms. B. They know that not only will they have their taxes prepared, but while doing so, they’ll get to support someone who is not only part of their community of Blackness and womanhood but also of humanity.

Happy trails, safe travels, take help where you can get it and be alert on your journey!

Photo Credit: Ted S. Warren-AP/Shutterstock.com

Photo Credit: Blair Getz Mezibov Qiu

Colin Kaepernick Changes the Game