having conversations about adoption

Setting the Holiday Table in Complex Times: Nourishing Family Narratives

by April Dinwoodie
TRJ Executive Director

When I was growing up, my mom would always say a beautiful and simple Thanksgiving prayer. Every year, we’d close our eyes, hold hands, and listen to her voice rise and fall. The smell of turkey filled the air, and for a few moments everything felt still. I remember feeling thankful—surrounded by love, warmth, and the familiarity of family.

But I also remember the ache—the quiet wondering. My family of origin was never mentioned among the members of the extended family who were missing and prayed for. I thought of them every year. Were they celebrating too? Did they wonder about me the way I wondered about them?

Now, looking back, I realize that we were closing our eyes in more ways than one. We were closing our eyes to the family that wasn’t there, and to the history of the day itself—the story of this country, the Indigenous lives and legacies that were disrupted, the realities of what was taken and what was lost.

That unspoken tension—the both/and of Thanksgiving—has always lived inside me. The deep thankfulness for what I have, held right alongside the awareness of what’s missing and what must be named.

November and the Table of Truth

As we move into November, which is also National Adoption Awareness Month, the family table takes on even deeper meaning. It becomes a mirror—a place where stories of legacy, history, and belonging meet. For adoptive and especially transracial adoptive families, the holiday table can hold layers of love, difference, and longing all at once.

At Together on the Journey, we know that the table is more than a piece of furniture. It’s a symbol of connection and story. Who gathers around it—and who is missing—tells us a lot about how we understand family.
In my childhood home, we didn’t have words for that complexity, but I felt it deeply. The silence around my family of origin matched the silence around the history of Thanksgiving. Both were wrapped in good intentions, but both left important truths unspoken and left me to navigate the difficulties silently.

This year, instead of closing our eyes, let’s open them together. We can be thankful for the people around us and honest about the people and histories that are missing. We can hold thankfulness and truth at the same table.

Try this:
When it’s time to share what you’re thankful for, add a second invitation:

“What has been hard this year?”

This simple act can open space for honesty, empathy, and connection—reminding everyone that joy and difficulty can live side by side.

Expanding the Story of the Day

For some, Thanksgiving is a treasured family ritual. For others, it’s a reminder of pain and loss. Both truths can coexist. We can be thankful for the love we share while also being mindful of the full story of this day.

Consider how your family names and frames the holiday. Maybe you call it A Day of Thanks and Truth, Harvest Gathering, or simply Family Day. Learn about the Indigenous peoples whose land you live on. Talk about what was taken, not just what was shared. These small shifts don’t erase tradition—they expand it. They help children entrusted to you see that thankfulness and awareness can live together.

Telling the Truth Beautifully

For adopted people, the holidays often carry that same blend of joy and longing. Parents may want to make the day perfect, but what children often need most is honesty, not performance. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say out loud what everyone already feels.

Maybe that means lighting a candle for a family of origin. Maybe it’s saying, “We’re thankful for those who can’t be here,” and letting that sentence mean many things. It might even mean sitting in quiet reflection, acknowledging both the family gathered and the family unseen.

Making Space for the Whole Story

Every family has its own rhythm, its own version of the both/and. For some, it’s thankfulness and missing pieces. For others, it’s pride and pain, belonging and uncertainty. The goal isn’t to fix or smooth those feelings—it’s to let them breathe.
When we make room for all of it, we teach our children that they don’t have to choose between being thankful and being honest. They can be both.

Try this:
If something hard comes up during the holiday, take a breath before responding. You don’t need the perfect words.

A simple “I hear you” or “That makes sense” can be enough to open connection and build trust.

A Table of Thankfulness and Truth

When I think back to those moments of my childhood—the prayer, the warmth, the silence—I wish we had found words to hold the fullness of our experience. But now I know that each of us can begin again. We can tell new stories. We can open our eyes. We can hold hands across difference and history and say:

“We are thankful for what we have, and we honor what has been lost.”

That’s the table I want us all to set together now—a table where love and truth sit side by side, and where everyone, past and present, has a place.

Reflection Prompts for Families

What truths about Thanksgiving and adoption have been left unspoken in our home?
Who is at our table—and who is missing?
How can we honor both thankfulness and truth in the way we gather?
What new names, rituals, or stories might reflect our family’s values more fully?

November Nourishment: Sustaining Strong and Healthy Families

Thanksgiving can be one of the more complicated historical holidays, and for many in the United States, one of the more family and food-centric holidays. Whether you are a family that chooses not to mark Thanksgiving in a traditional way, or your family goes all out with a big Thanksgiving celebration, this month we are thinking about the family table and what might be true when there are differences of race and culture with transracial adoption. November also brings National Adoption Awareness Month, (NAAM) which can be challenging for some adopted persons. This month prompts on your activity deck include questions for both areas of discussion.

November Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoption

At Transracial Journeys we send out cues for conversations each month. Our Transracial Journeys card deck contains 3 cards for each month that the children use to ask their parents questions. Below are the questions for November. Before getting started, read the parent pro-tip each month.

November Tip for Parents: Talking about family and complicated history can activate deep-seated emotions and feelings. Make sure you have the support you need to process your feelings before and after the conversations you may have with your children.

Reference this month's feature article, Setting the Holiday Table in Complex Times: Nourishing Family Narratives, for more insight from a transracial adoptee's perspective.

CARD ONE: IDENTITY
The Family Table: Describe your family table when you were growing up. What was the food like? Who was around the table? What were the best parts of family dinner-time? What were some of the harder parts?
NAAM: When did you first learn of NAAM?

CARD TWO: RELATIONSHIPS
The Family Table: Who were the people sitting around your family table?
NAAM: What does NAAM mean to you?

CARD THREE: EMBRACING AND FACING DIFFERENCES OF RACE AND CULTURE
The Family Table: Were there ever people of different races around your family table?
NAAM: How can we find our own unique ways to honor and mark NAAM?

Behind the Mask: The truth about belonging, identity, and the narratives we navigate

by April Dinwoodie

When Hiding Becomes Habit

Throughout my life, I’ve become aware of how naturally I can mask — how easily I learned to protect parts of myself that felt confusing, painful, or “too much.”

As an adopted person, curiosity has always lived right next to fear: curiosity about who I am and where I come from, and fear about what might happen if I asked too many questions or revealed my true emotions of grief and loss.

Connections over the years with what I call the extended family of adoption and foster care — adopted persons, families of origin, adoptive families, folks who experienced foster care, and professionals — have shown me that the stories we’re given about adoption shape what we feel safe to express.

Masking, in that sense, isn’t about pretending; it’s about surviving. It’s about finding ways to belong in a world that may not yet be ready for our full truth.

More Than a Costume

Halloween is a time when masks and costumes take center stage — when it’s acceptable, even celebrated, to play with identity and transformation. But for me, and for many others connected to adoption, masking can be something we’ve practiced far beyond a single night.

We mask our longing for information.
We mask our fear of rejection.
We mask our curiosity about where we come from.
And sometimes, we even mask our pride in who we’ve become.

This month, as many play with costume and disguise, I’m looking more closely at what’s underneath — to honor the complexity, the curiosity, and the courage it takes to live unmasked as an adopted person.

When Curiosity Meets Culture

This season always brings up tension around cultural appropriation and appreciation — about who gets to try on an identity for fun, and who must hide theirs to feel safe. That dynamic feels especially sharp right now, in a climate where race, belonging, and representation are being debated and distorted in real time.

For families formed through transracial and intercountry adoption, October can be a month of reckoning. Costumes that make light of race, ethnicity, or immigration status — whether Blackface, ICE agents, or other caricatures — are not harmless. They are reminders that some people’s lived realities are still seen as entertainment, while others’ humanity is still questioned.

For adoptive parents raising Black and Brown children, this is a time to stay close, pay attention, and prepare. Children notice. They see what is celebrated and what is mocked. They feel when something is off, even if they don’t yet have the words for it.

These moments are opportunities for conversation — about safety, identity, respect, and the difference between imitation and understanding.

For me, unmasking is about giving myself permission to stay curious — even when it’s uncomfortable — and to listen deeply to the stories beneath the surface, in myself and in others. That same curiosity, when modeled by parents, can create the kind of family culture where children feel seen, protected, and proud of who they are — without having to hide behind any mask.

Reflections for Families

What helps me and my child feel safe enough to unmask?
How do we make space for each other to explore and show up as our whole selves?
What stories have we inherited — and which ones are we ready to rewrite together?
How can we model curiosity, empathy, and awareness during this season of masks and make-believe?

Looking Ahead to November

As we move toward National Adoption Awareness Month, let’s reflect on how we can shift from being talked about to being heard from. “Behind the Mask” reminds us that belonging begins with truth — and that every time we unmask, we make it a little easier for someone else to do the same. Listen to the October episode of Calendar Conversations for more. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/calendar-conversations-a-guide-for-adoptive-parents/id1728489802?i=1000731211477

Book Corner – October 25

The Girl I Am, Was, and Never Will Be:

A Speculative Memoir of Transracial Adoption

by Shannon Gibney
Ages 14-17

Gibney features herself as the protagonist in this part memoir, part speculative fiction novel. Shannon Gibney and Erin Powers are one and the same person. However, there’s a primal difference in that one was adopted and the other wasn’t.

Using documents like vital records, correspondence written from her birth mother to her adoptive mother, and photographs of herself and family members, Gibney delivers a layered, complicated and enthralling tale told in the often underheard voice of a transracial adoptee. The author using her own name and photographs in the book make this book read like part autobiography and part science fiction.

The book is a challenging read that requires some suspension of disbelief. However, in the often misunderstood or misrepresented narrative of adoption, this story is an “authentic” piece of fiction written by a transracial adoptee. Shannon/Erin gets to be an explorer who time travels and jumps to other dimensions in order to piece together the story of not only the families that made and raised her but of the family she builds for herself well into her adulthood.

This book comes highly recommended for families formed by transracial adoption. The style and subject matter don’t make for an easy read but what valuable books are (easy reads)?

Don’t just hand this off to a teen to read in a vacuum, read it with them. If they want to talk about it, then discuss. If they don’t want to talk it’s still important for non-adoptees to read books like this and show they care about the perspective, identity and narrative of the transracially adopted person. Just as Shannon and Erin catch glimpses of each other or their birth father at different points in space and time, the reader may catch glimpses of what it’s like to walk in the shoes of a transracial adoptee.

Highly recommended!

https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=32105044908&dest=usa

Revealing: What’s Under The Mask

Whether you participate in Halloween or not, October 31st has many children and the young at heart dressing up in costumes and wearing masks. But what is behind the masks you don’t see? What do they reveal? Read this month's feature article by April Dinwoodie, "Behind the Mask: The truth about belonging, identity, and the narratives we navigate" for more perspective. Additional previous posts published on this topic over the years include: "Masks, Masking, and Mental Health." and Costumes and Code-Switching: The Hidden Layers of Transracial Adoption.

Fostering Conversations About Transracial Adoption

At Transracial Journeys we send our families conversation cues each month, from our Transracial Journeys card deck, given to all our families at Family Camp. The card deck contains three cards for each month, designed for the children to ask their parents. Below are the questions for October.

October Tip for Parents: Think about the symbolism of masks and how you might mask your feelings about adoption and differences of race. What can you do to tap into those feelings and let them show in healthy ways? Do you recognize when your child might be masking their feelings? “We Wear the Mask” - Paul Laurence Dunbar

This post is from our October 2025, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

August – Growing: Always Learning

Back to school is a time of transition for children and families. It’s a time to be thoughtful about what children need when they go into schools every day. A great way to prepare children from families that don’t match is by having intentional conversations about differences of race and ethnicity as well as family structure and culture. Read "Back to School, Plugged In and Present" this month's featured article, for more on the unique educational challenges faced by our adopted children - especially those in transracial families.

Related articles from years past include:

CARD ONE: IDENTITY
Close your eyes and think of being a kid at school: What is the first word that comes to mind?
• Can you describe what your school was like?
- How big was it?
- How many other kids were there?
• What was your favorite subject?

CARD TWO: RELATIONSHIPS
• Who were some of your favorite teachers and why?
• Were there any kids or teachers who looked like me in your school?
• Were there any kids or teachers that were a different race than you?

CARD THREE: EMBRACING AND FACING DIFFERENCES OF RACE AND CULTURE
• Did you ever see black or brown students being treated differently?
• How do you think your experiences in school were different from mine?
• What can you do better to prepare me for what I might face at school?

This post is from our August 2025 newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp!

Celebrating the Many Hands and Hearts That Hold Us: Part Two — Honoring Fatherhood in Its Many Forms

By April Dinwoodie

This spring, we're offering a two-part series:
Celebrating the Many Hands and Hearts That Hold Us — an exploration of what it means to honor family expansively through the lens of adoption.

As an adopted person — and someone in deep community with others who share this experience — I know firsthand that Father’s Day can be powerful, complicated, and deeply emotional. (read Part One about Mother's Day)

Some years, it filled me with gratitude. Other years, there was a quiet ache — wondering about the man who gave me life and the life I might have had. Even as I loved the father who raised me, there was still a part of me reaching for something... or someone... just out of reach.

That layered experience is not unique to me. It’s woven into the lives of many adopted persons. And no matter how we may feel, the reminders will come — through store displays, school assignments, social media tributes, and advertising campaigns.

In Part Two of our series, we focus on Father’s Day — the emotions it carries, the opportunities it presents, and how adoptive families can hold space for the many hands and hearts that shape a child’s life.

Fathering in Many Forms

For many of us, the word father is layered — and when adoption is part of the story, those layers deepen.

There may be a father of origin whose presence or absence shaped the beginning of a child’s life. There may be a father who raises and nurtures daily. There may be foster dads, grandfathers, mentors, coaches — and even aunties or mothers — who bring fathering energy in ways large and small.

Parenting a child through adoption means embracing the truth of multiple fathering experiences. It means helping children hold both love and grief, gratitude and longing, knowns and unknowns — often all at once.

Father’s Day can be joyful and confusing. It can be a time of celebration and sorrow. And when adoptive parents acknowledge these truths with openness, they offer one of the most powerful gifts: Permission and pathways to be whole.

The Erasure of Fathers — Especially Black Fathers

The truth is: many fathers of origin were not absent — they were excluded. They were pushed out of the narrative or never brought into it to begin with. Some — like my own — didn’t even know we existed.

There are, of course, cases where exclusion is necessary. When a father poses a risk to the child or others, safety must come first. And in adoption, it is often mothers who are positioned — sometimes solely — to decide whether or not to engage fathers. These are deeply personal, emotional, and often complicated decisions.

But far too often, exclusion becomes the default — not because of safety, but because of stigma, assumptions, or systemic failures. And when that happens, children lose access to an important part of their identity.

This erasure is especially common when it comes to Black fathers, who have long been portrayed through distorted, deficit-based lenses — as disengaged, irresponsible, or disposable. These narratives are not just untrue — they are deeply harmful.

We can do better.

Even when direct contact isn’t possible or appropriate, we can make space for dialogue, curiosity, and connection — symbolically, emotionally, historically. We can speak of fathers of origin with humanity and cultural humility. We can, invite in their presence, even if only through stories, reflection, or ritual.

In doing so, we honor the whole child — and the many hands and hearts that helped bring them into this world.

Suggestions for a More Expansive Fathers’ Day

Here are a few ways to expand and deepen your family’s celebration of fatherhood:

1. Name and Honor All Father Figures

Just like we did for Mothers’ Day, take time to name the people who have offered fathering care: fathers of origin, grandfathers, foster dads, coaches, uncles, mentors — even moms or aunties who carry fathering energy.

Speak them into the space.
Example: “I wonder what your father of origin might have been like. I wonder if he liked being outside like you do.”

This act of wondering and naming makes room for reflection, memory, and humanizing fathers.

2. Challenge the Single-Story Narrative

If you're parenting a child through adoption, challenge the idea that one father replaces another. You don’t need to choose between the past and present. Embrace the both/and:
“I’m so honored I get to raise you, and I wonder what parts of your father of origin live in you.”

Honoring one does not diminish the other.

3. Create a Ritual or Symbolic Gesture

Even if the child entrusted to you has no relationship with or knowledge of their father of origin, you can still make space for connection.
Rituals can help hold what is unknown or unresolved.

Plant something. Light a candle. Add a note to a memory box. Include a name or likeness (if known) in a family collage. These small acts of remembrance say:
“All of who you are matters here.”

4. Talk to Schools and Communities Ahead of Time

Just like with Mother’s Day, reach out to the adults in your child’s life — teachers, coaches, clergy — and offer context.

Explain your family’s approach to Father’s Day. Ask them to be mindful of activities that assume a singular, present, or traditional father figure.

It’s not about avoiding the holiday — it’s about preparing for it with intention and care.

Becoming the Bridge

As adoptive parents and caregivers, you are not meant to erase what came before — you are meant to build a bridge to it.

This Father’s Day, honor the many hands and hearts that hold your child. Include your own. Don’t be afraid of complexity — it’s where truth lives.

Traditional celebrations may not always fit your family’s reality — and that’s okay. With open hearts, honest conversations, and a willingness to hold what’s hard, your family can meet this season with connection and grace.

When we honor fatherhood in its many forms, we give our children something powerful:
the right to know themselves fully — and to be loved in all their layers.

Listen to the Calendar Conversations podcast to hear more about this series. And follow April on social media @JuneinApril and on YouTube @April Dinwoodie

Posts Related to Fatherhood, Motherhood and Transracial Adoption

June Father’s Day: Family Titles, Roles, and Relationships

Officially celebrating Father’s Day came a bit later than Mother’s Day and there are many of the same things to think about and reflect on as we come to this day that is all about acknowledging the fathers and father figures in our lives. In adoption father’s of origin or birth/first fathers are often thought of after mothers. Sometimes there can be even less information about fathers and it can be harder to open up a conversation about the role these men play in the lives of adopted children and as part of the extended family.

Read last month's post, Mother’s Day: Family Titles, Roles, and Relationships as well as Celebrating the Many Hands and Hearts That Hold Us: Part Two — Honoring Fatherhood in Its Many Forms for more insight on this subject from multiple perspectives.

June Pro-Tip to Foster Conversations About Transracial Adoptions

At Transracial Journeys we send our families conversation cues each month, from our Transracial Journeys card deck. The card deck contains three cards for each month, designed for the children to ask their parents. Below are the questions for June. Before letting your child get started, prepare by reading the parent pro-tip, from the Parent Guide, each month.

June Pro-Tip for Parents: As with May it is important to spend some time reflecting on how you hold Fathers’ Day for yourself and how you might be better equipped to hold your child/children as they experience their own version of the holiday. Best to have planned time for conversation with trusted loved ones and/or community members before, during, and after your family conversations.

This post is from our June, 2025, e-newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our Parent Meet-Up each month, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp.

Mother’s Day: Family Titles, Roles, and Relationships

As a country we have been celebrating Mother’s Day since the 19th century, honoring women who play a pivotal role in the lives of children of any age. For some, Mother’s Day can bring feelings of both celebration and complexity. In adoption, mothers of origin or birth/first mothers play a vital role in the lives of children they are born to and separated from. It’s important that you have open and loving conversations about different ways mothers and mother figures play a vital role in a child’s life.

June-in-April Calendar Conversation Cards

Transracial Journeys invites your family to experience the calendar in a whole new way. With the help of the June-in-April Calendar Conversation Cards, each month your family is invited to use the cards as a tool for more regular and intentional conversations about identity, family relationships, and differences of race and culture.

Each month has four cards with conversation starters. The prompts and questions are designed to spark reflection and ongoing dialogue within your family as well as with extended family and friends. There is no prescriptive way to use the cards, sometimes parents or grown-ups can take the lead and ask the questions and other times, children can go first.

Here is a suggested weekly breakdown for using each set of monthly cards:

Week 1: Parent/caregiver preparation and reflection

• Review the month’s theme and conversation prompts
• Check-in with any emotions that come up and discuss with a partner, friend, or loved one
• Put time on the calendar for the family to engage with the conversation cards

Week 2: Read/discuss card 1
Week 3: Read/discuss card 2
Week 4: Read/discuss card 3 and close out the month with any insights, challenges and new ideas for the next month

May Pro-Tip for Parents: Be sure to build in time for you and your child to process all of the feelings that may come about surrounding Mothers’ Day. Resist the urge to expect gifts and instead give yourself something special to honor yourself as a mother or mother figure. Be prepared to help your child hold the both/and of this holiday.

CARD ONE: IDENTITY
• What does Mothers' Day mean to you?
• What are some feelings you have about Mothers’ Day?

CARD TWO: RELATIONSHIPS
• How do we honor Mother’s Day in our family?
• Can we acknowledge and celebrate more than one mother?

CARD THREE: EMBRACING AND FACING DIFFERENCES OF RACE AND CULTURE
• Do different cultures celebrate Mother’s Day?
• Are there different ways mothers are honored around the world?

This post is from our May, 2025, email newsletter. If you would like to get our newsletter in your inbox each month, please subscribe. You will get invitations to our monthly Parent Meet-Ups, a virtual meeting to act as a transracial adoption support group - sharing issues, ideas and strategies for creating a culture of communication and curiosity in your home, as well as monthly card prompt to keep the conversations about race, adoption, family, love and relationships front and center all year long. And lastly, you'll always be made aware of important dates for Transracial Journeys Family Camp - registration is open now!

Book Corner – May 2025

Chester Keene Cracks the Code

by Kekla Magoon
Grades 3-7

Chester Keene’s mom is always worrying about him, so Chester tries his best to hide bad things from her. When a bully gives him a black eye, Chester tells his mom he ran into something. Chester really needs someone to talk to. His father left when Chester was a baby, but presents arrive every birthday and Christmas. When Chester finds an email address in one of the packages, he is glad to finally have a way to communicate with his father. Chester sends messages and receives advice in return, but he really wants to see his dad in person. He believes his father doesn’t come around because he is a secret agent on a mission, but the truth is more complicated and hard to face. Chester Keene Cracks the Code has mystery, adventure – and a lot of heart.